I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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