I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
