i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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