Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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