Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
