Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
