You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
