wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
