just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
