i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
