I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
