wakey wakey hands off snakey
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The air was thick with penises
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
