Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
