david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
