I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
