Im at strip club and am horny
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We have started to decorate penises.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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