Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
