I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
