remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
