When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
