Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
