My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
