got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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