Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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