i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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