apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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