Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
