She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
