sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
