About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
