why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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