Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
