Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
