my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
