No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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