your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
