did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
