bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
