Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
