My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
