know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We need to get me chipped asap
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
