I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
