party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
