that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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