Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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