Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
