he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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