i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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