I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Can you bring me the toilet please
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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