wakey wakey hands off snakey
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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