Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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