Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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