Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
