Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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