the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
