He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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